One year ago today,
our sweet Addy Hope silently entered this world.
our sweet Addy Hope silently entered this world.
Although she never experienced life outside of my womb,
her little 7lb 15oz self has forever changed our lives.
We never had the privilege of hearing her cry,
smelling her newborn fragrance,
or snuggling her gently into the crook of our necks.
Our past year did not include lullabies in the middle of the night,
experiencing first smiles, or seeing the miracle of baby's first steps.
Instead, this past year would contain more grief and saddness
than our human hearts have ever endured.
A little over a year and a half ago, I remember vividly the flash of peace that surged across my soul when I thought I had God all figured out. The moment that I felt I had put together the puzzle pieces of my life, and finally understood where I had been and where my journey was going. In my shallow understanding of our omnipotent God I thought I discovered His purpose for my life. I concluded that God brought Mackenzie into our lives to give us confidence in caring for a severely developmentally delayed child. It was Lily who was strategically placed in our home to help us navigate through the terrifying world of congenital heart disease. The precious baby that was growing inside of my belly would be a perfect combination of the two children we were already confidently raising. None of that could have been farther from the truth.
At 10am, on May 6th 2013
that false sense of security I had
would be striped away when my OBGYN
couldn't find our baby's heartbeat (here).
What our sweet daughter Addy Hope has taught me is that it is not my place to figure out God's plan for my life. I do not need to find my security in looking for signs or trying to piece together the complex puzzle of this life. Jesus told us to "take up your cross and follow me". It's easy to misinterpret this text and presume that the "cross" Jesus is referring to is some burden in our lives. What Jesus intended was that we must literally be willing to die to ourselves in order to follow Him. The call to death of self is then beautifully followed by the call to life in Christ - “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it” (Mathew 16:25-26). I've learned that it is easy to follow Jesus when life is smooth and going well. My true commitment to Him is revealed during times of trial. This past year has allowed me to test drive my commitment to Jesus at a whole new level. And I am here to encourage you that God's grace abounds in deepest water.
(I didn't want to comment as MSF but won't let me do otherwise)
ReplyDeleteI love you. SO much. You made me laugh till my sides hurt, just a few short weeks after saying goodbye to Addy and with the worry of Lily and Mac always on your mind. God shone through your broken heart those days I spent with you when you were still raw, and He still does a year later. Love to you all!
Thank you, Emily, for the precious reminder that pain and joy can coexist! I have been blessed beyond measure in witnessing this beautiful journey toward an eternity together.... Lori
ReplyDeleteLovely memories of your Precious daughter. Her journey brought me closer to our Lord. Love to all of the R family.
ReplyDeleteJo Moseley
An amazing gift you've shared.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog from a friend on Facebook. My prayers are with you and your family. My husband and I also have 2 beautiful little girls that we adopted. We also became pregnant after our youngest was only 6 mo. only to have our little boy pass in the womb a few weeks before his due date. It is one of the hardest things in life to go through. God has a plan for all of us that we will not understand till the day we meet Him. God bless your family and keep showing the strength I am sure you give your little girls and soon your new little boy every day!
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing gift you have shared! What a testimony to THE ONE who holds everything in His hands!
ReplyDelete